“Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters. Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous two weeks. Read on for 25 relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement. 1WIFE: watching me unwrap a 10th piece of candy] how many of those are you going to eat?ME: it’s the weekend, this is how i party now— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) 十一月 7, 2020 2When I feel like my husband seems to relaxed, I’ll just start a sentence with “y’know, I’ve been thinking…”— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) 十月 27, 2020 3The best way to make sure my husband doesn’t follow instructions is to give him instructions.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) 十一月 5, 2020 4Husband, “I’m going to the store, do you need anything?”Me, “A bottle of champagne.”Husband, “Oh, I got you one yesterday.”Me, “I said what I said.”— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) 十一月 5, 2020 5My husband was surprised to learn that my daughter’s Wednesday swim lesson was being held on a Wednesday again.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) 十一月 4, 2020 6My husband just found a recipe for cauliflower taco \”meat\” so we’re gonna need a divorce lawyer.— Black Lives Matter Betty (@EzMacArt) 十一月 2, 2020 7I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) 十一月 5, 2020 8wife: let’s just run into Target really quickme, 45 min later: you think we can grab some lunch soonwife: pic.twitter.com/W8FvgplpJB— The Dad (@thedad) 十一月 8, 2020 9Ohh goodie…The season to be pissed off at your spouse for leaving their Kleenex in their pants that’s now in the lint catcher is upon us. yay.— Lezz Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) 十一月 8, 2020 10Wife: I made a cake.Me: What’s the occasion?Wife: I wanted cake.The best occasion of all.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) 十月 28, 2020 11Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) 十一月 9, 2020 12husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?me: just ate half a block of cheese] yes— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) 十一月 2, 2020 13My husband complained that I don’t do any housework. Um, excuse me, it’s not like the salt & pepper shakers fill themselves, mister.— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) 十月 31, 2020 14Has anyone else reached the “husband playing guitar alone in the bedroom” phase of Election Day— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) 十一月 3, 2020 15The wife asked if I was still in the shower, it’s like she knew I was hiding in there all this time.— Forward March (@RunOldMan) 十一月 3, 2020 16I went ahead and put up my Christmas tree yesterday. Now I can put all the presents my husband didn’t know he bought for me under there.— Felicia (@LostFelicia) 十一月 6, 2020 17STOP THE COUNT!!- Me, to my wife when she counts the number of drinks I had— karanbir singh (@karanbirtinna) 十一月 6, 2020 18My wife accidentally threw one of my shirts in the dryer.On the bright side I now have a new belly shirt for when we go clubbing.— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) 十一月 8, 2020 19The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) 十一月 2, 2020 20My husband said the dogs’ Halloween costumes were an unnecessary expense. Looks like the Grinch is stealing more than Christmas this year, y’all.— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) 十月 29, 2020 21My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) 十一月 9, 2020 22My mother gave me a Tupperware of dulce de leche which is now empty and my wife is trying to convince me that \”it evaporated because it’s made with evaporated milk\”.— jess salomon (@jess_salomon) 十一月 5, 2020 23I thought I was happily married & then my husband put the toilet paper on the wrong way.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) 十一月 1, 2020 24Sure I hate doing stupid things but what I really hate is knowing that I just gave my husband ammunition for our next fight— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) 十一月 9, 2020 25My wife leaning on the kitchen counter with her head in her hands is the human equivalent of the “5% battery remaining” warning. \”— The Dad (@thedad) 十一月 2, 2020
