50 Funny Tweets About Bribery From Parents Who Use It Well

Parents develop a highly specific set of skills to deal with the day-to-day grind of raising small humans.There’s diaper changing, potty training, hiding vegetables in kid-friendly foods, chauffeuring, finding missing shoes and other foundational knowledge. But there’s also the art of white lies, tackling unanswerable questions and, perhaps most crucially, bribery. We’ve rounded up 50 funny tweets about bribery from parents who are all too familiar with the tactic. My award wining parenting moments include bribing my kids with candy to get them to cooperate at the dentist.— LurkinMom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 28, 2014 Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.Apparently she learned bribery.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 12, 2015 Toilet training your kid automatically earns you the right to use unlimited amounts of bribery for example -you can eat the cookie if you pee in the toilet-you can watch the movie when you’ve peed in the toilet-if you pee on the toilet you can still live with mummy & daddy— MumInBits (@MumInBits) February 18, 2020 Parenting is a lot easier if you are comfortable with bribery and lies.— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) May 29, 2018 Behind the smile of every well-dressed kid in Easter pictures is a mouthful of jelly bean bribery.— Walking Outside in Slippers (@WalkingOutside) April 22, 2019 Why is it called bribing your child and not kid pro quo?— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 22, 2019 Before I had kids I knew exactly how I would raise them. This morning I bribed them to get out of bed with peanut butter marshmallow sandwiches. Childless me didn’t have a clue.— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) November 20, 2019 \”Hush Little Baby\is my favorite lullaby about bribing your kid to shut up— Not Another Pinterest Mom (@snarkymomtobe) February 28, 2019 Just once I would love to read a parenting article that says something like, \”Bribery! It really is good for your kids!\”— Life at Tiffany’s (@lifeattiffanys) March 29, 2016 You don’t have to bribe your kids to eat their vegetables if you tell them a baby bunny dies for each one they don’t eat.— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) February 2, 2017 My 3-year-old is dangerously easy to bribe. I could probably get her to murder someone if I gave her a sticker for it.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 10, 2013 After a 45 minute negotiation, my 7yo son finally ate one strand of spaghetti. Clearly, he deserved the candy bar we bribed him with.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) September 4, 2019 There are two types of parent in this world:1) Those who will happily admit that they use bribery and corruption to get their kids to do what they’re told.2) Dirty rotten liars.#parenting— Jack’s Dad (@DaddingAround) May 26, 2018 My sister-in-law wanted to know how in the world I manage to raise such polite children so I told her all about intentional parenting and positive reinforcement and natural consequences and how I don’t do any of that because I bribe them.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) December 15, 2019 If I find one more freezer pop wrapper around this house, I swear to everything I’m gonna……keep buying them because they are great for bribery in the summer.— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) May 26, 2019 I get my 4yo to use the toilet by giving him a Hot Wheels car for every 4th successful poop. If bribery is wrong, I don’t want to be right.— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) November 26, 2013 The parenting books say to set boundaries and be consistent but I find bribery to be much more efficient and everybody wins.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 4, 2017 When I bribe my kid with something that belongs to their sibling pic.twitter.com/2COyoq6LMR— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) February 6, 2018 If you bribe them with pancakes to get them to go to sleep, then you better pony up in the morning cause they don’t forget shit.— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) June 13, 2014 Sure, I could probably attempt to parent without resorting to bribery. I could also attempt adulting without resorting to caffeine, but that wouldn’t be very effective either now would it.— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) October 13, 2018 I know Christmas is coming up but let me be real with you, I’ve been bribing my kids with Santa since the beginning of the year. I feel no shame.— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) November 15, 2018 Thanks to inflation, I can no longer bribe my kids to do crappy jobs for just a dollar anymore.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) April 19, 2015 Toddlers are like adorable, chubby versions of Satan that you can force to take naps and bribe with cookies.— Faux Ma (@Faux_Ma) October 9, 2014 Real talk, if you don’t bribe your children to scratch your arm/back and play with your hair why in the frigging hell did you have kids— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) July 18, 2017 My 3-year-old learned lots of new words by riding in the car with me. Now I have to bribe her so she never repeats them in front of my wife.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 9, 2014 Parenting tip: pocky sticks are the perfect size for conducting low-level bribery. pic.twitter.com/VMuiNKiioa— dadpression (@Dadpression) February 8, 2017 Reached that level of dad where I bribe my kids for hugs by offering to carry their school bags.— Kalvonavirus (@KalvinMacleod) June 14, 2016 You bribe your toddler to use the potty one time, and all of a sudden it becomes a game of double or nothing for the rest of your life.— Momzilla (@milliondollrfam) September 14, 2019 I often have to beg, sweet talk & bribe my son just to get a hug from him. I’m not sure if this reminds me more of high school or marriage.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) April 21, 2015 Just told my kids I’d pay them money to sleep in tomorrow.That’s not bribery, people, that’s called POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT.— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) August 22, 2014 4: I don’t want to go to preschool!Me: I’ll give you chocolate if you go…4: Ok, I’ll goBribery: 70% of the time, it works every time— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) September 25, 2017 \”How To Win At Parenting Through Bribery\is a book I really wish existed.In fact, I’ll give you two cookies if you write it.— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) November 19, 2019 The game show Let’s Make A Deal,but me bribing my kids to stay in bed.— Marl (@Marlebean) May 2, 2016 My life would be so much easier if my baby understood what a fucking bribe was.— Courtney (@Discourt) November 5, 2012 Once you’ve learned to bribe kids, the second half of your life begins.— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) June 6, 2017 My kid just tried to bribe me with cookies to allow her to eat more cookies.Holy crap she’s good.— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) April 10, 2017 Them: only five more days until Christmas! Me: only five more days left to bribe my kids to do things for Christmas presents!— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) December 20, 2019 I feel bad for the cavemen mothers that had to use real fruit instead of fruit snacks to bribe their kids.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) May 11, 2014 I bribed my 5yo with a piece of chocolate to go to the kitchen & get me a cookie. Successful delegation of labor or a new level of laziness?— Wendy S. (@maughammom) June 20, 2015 Just bribed my kid to take a shower instead of a bath by offering to buy him a roll of duck tape. That’s a win any way you look at it.— 💀 damned sinker 💀 (@dansinker) May 27, 2012 There’s nothing in this world that can prepare you for that feeling you get when you can finally look your first born child in the eye and bribe him to clean the house.— LurkinMom (@LurkAtHomeMom) October 2, 2018 I bribed my kids with candy to eat vegetables. I know what you’re thinking, but it’s cool. They were fruit flavored.— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) April 29, 2016 The term “potty training” is pretty misleading. I mean sure, if by “training” you mean “negotiating & bribing” then yeah, we are potty training, but I think I’m just going to start calling it “shit bribery” because that’s much more accurate.— ☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 (@MacgyveringM22) January 28, 2019 Kiddo tried to bribe me with a dollar, to have unlimited access to the remote control. They grow up so fast don’t they?— Jacques Nyemb (@jnyemb) January 16, 2017 What’s the appropriate amount to bribe the teacher when attending your first parent teacher conference?— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) January 9, 2020 Bribing my son to poop in the potty has now reached new heights: Ordering a rare and discontinued toy from Europe. #itsworking #momlife— Jennifer Borget (@JenniferBorget) July 10, 2016 Don’t let your kids in on any plans of a Disney vacation unless you want to be involved in a web of confusion, whining, crying, and bribing— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) March 28, 2017 With 4 kids 5 and under, any type of alone time involves plotting, scheming, and bribery.Always bribery.— Becky Too Many Kids, Send Help (@beckyhas4kids) May 27, 2019 at that point in the school year where i’m straight bribing my kids with m&ms to do their work and let me tell you we are going through a lot of m&ms— Sabaa Tahir (@sabaatahir) June 9, 2020 If parenting has taught me anything it’s bribery will get you everywhere. I’ll give you five bucks if you retweet this.— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) May 7, 2020

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